How to Make Friends as a Late-Diagnosed Autistic Adult
Navigating Adult Friendships as a Late-Diagnosed Autistic Adult
Making friends as an adult can be challenging for anyone, especially once we’re out of environments where friendships are almost built in, like school, in-person jobs, sports teams, or clubs. With April being Autism Acceptance Month, it’s a perfect time to reflect on how Autistic adults can build and maintain meaningful connections. For late-diagnosed Autistic adults, making new friends can feel uniquely complicated. You might find yourself learning for the first time how you actually connect with others, distinguishing between what parts of you are authentic and what parts have been masked. You may notice patterns in your friendships that no longer feel aligned or realize that the types of relationships you want are now completely different from those you’ve sought out in the past.
It’s common to wonder whether your social goals are “weird,” if there are other people who want similar connections, or whether people around you are truly interested in the types of friendship you’re looking for, or are just going along with it. These questions are valid, and facing them is an important step toward unlocking more fulfilling relationships.
Why Friendships Feel Different After an Autism Discovery
Friendships often shift after discovering your neurodivergence. Some relationships deepen, while others naturally fade. This can feel like a loss, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that anything went wrong. Often, it just means that you’re moving closer to friendships that actually fit who you are now.
A lot of Autistic adults realize they learned how to socialize through masking, which can make unmasking feel intimidating or disorienting. You might think “I have no idea how to make friends anymore.” That’s super understandable. You don’t actually have to throw out everything you’ve learned before, you just find a more authentic way of relating that actually reflects who you are, rather than the version of yourself that you used to present.
Getting Clear on What You Want
Reflecting on the types of friendships you want helps reduce confusion and people-pleasing. Do you prefer low-stimulation connection, deep conversation, or activity-based hangouts? Clarifying your needs allows you to communicate effectively and helps you recognize when a friendship truly fits.
Where to Meet People Who Fit You
Once you have a clearer sense of what you want, the next question is practical: where do I even go to meet people?
Follow your special interests. Activities you already enjoy are a natural ways to meet people you’re likely to connect with. If you love animals, volunteering at a shelter can be a great way to meet other animal lovers. If you’re into gaming, join an online community or check for local events at video game stores. History enthusiasts might join a research, writing, or journal reading group. Whatever your interest, there’s almost always a community out there.
Structured environments can help. Spaces with clear structure make socializing easier for many Autistic adults. Exercise classes, workshops, dungeons or kink spaces, tabletop gaming like D&D, or places of worship offer built-in roles and expectations that remove some of the guesswork in social interaction.
Friend-focused events reduce social pressure. Mixers, “friend dates,” or group meetups explicitly designed for making friends can lower anxiety because everyone is there for the same reason.
Neurodivergent-specific groups are great places to meet friends. Many Autistic adults find it easier to meet others through ND-focused social groups, organizations, or therapy groups. For example, the Autism Society of Colorado and the Chicago Neurodiverse Social Club host events and social meetups like ND-friendly yoga, sports events, or trips to the botanical gardens. These spaces can be wonderful for meeting people who understand how you communicate.
Online communities are also valid spaces. Online friendships can be just as meaningful as in-person connections and often provide a lower-pressure way to start building relationships.
Making Social Spaces Work for You
If trying to make friends hasn’t worked out for you in the past, it’s worth asking why and what changes might support you. Was the environment too loud? Were there too many people or too many unpredictable variables? Did you feel pressured to engage more than you felt able?
Once you identify what didn’t work, you can experiment with strategies to make social experiences more manageable. You might bring a “safe” person, set a time limit so you can leave early, review the structure of the event ahead of time, or choose spaces where conversation is optional. Allow yourself to customize social experiences in ways that honor your neurotype.
What If I Were Free to Pursue the Friendships That I Truly Want?
Not all connections require the things we’ve been taught it “should” in our neuronormative society. Many neurodivergent adults connect through things like infodumping, shared interests, or parallel play rather than constant back-and-forth conversation.
I recently started hosting a monthly silent craft night because I realized that maintaining constant conversation isn’t actually how I connect best with people. I wanted to spend time with friends without the energy drain of socially-driven hangouts.
During silent craft nights, we each work on individual projects and share space, mostly without talking. The focus is really just being together. For me, this removes barriers like sensory overload (I’m very noise sensitive) and the stress of trying to keep a conversation going. Even though we barely speak at this event, it still creates a sense of closeness and connection. In some ways, it feels more meaningful than traditional hangouts because we’re allowing ourselves to show up as we actually are, rather than performing.
You Don’t Have to Match Every Friend Perfectly
Friendship doesn’t require total alignment. One friend may enjoy high-energy hangouts, while another prefers low-stimulation activities. Different friendships can meet different needs, and that flexibility is part of creating sustainable and authentic connections.
Being Direct About What You Want
Being direct about what you want in a friendship can help clarify expectations, but this looks different for everyone. Some Autistic adults are naturally straightforward, while others need support to express interest or boundaries.
Sometimes the simplest approach is also the most effective. You might say “Hey, you seem cool and I’d like to get to know you better. Would you like to hang out?” or “I feel a little anxious about asking this, but I’d love to spend some time together.”
Naming your anxiety often makes things easier and can welcome connection. Many people, neurodivergent or not, feel anxious about meeting someone new. Being direct can break the ice and bring clarity.
Learning How You Feel About Someone
For high-masking Autistic adults, it can be tricky to recognize your true feelings about someone. You might need repeated experiences with someone and reflection to understand your internal signals.
Notice how your body reacts, both physically and emotionally. Signs of discomfort can include tension, overthinking, dread, or feeling like you need to “perform”. Signs that a friendship might be worth pursuing include curiosity, ease of conversation, open body language, and reduced anxiety after spending time together.
It might take some time to figure this out, especially if you’re high masking. When you’ve spent years focused on how you’re coming across, it can be hard to even know what you actually feel. Learning to tune into yourself is a process, and it’s okay if it doesn’t come naturally at first.
An Invitation
Making friendships as an adult, especially after an Autism discovery, requires patience, experimentation, and self-awareness. You’re allowed to approach relationships differently, set boundaries, and seek out environments that work for you. While it can feel challenging, there are absolutely others out there who want the same kinds of friendships that you do. By following your interests, being intentional, and honoring your unique ways of relating, you can create connections that feel authentic and meaningful.
As we celebrate Autism Acceptance Month, remember that building friendships that fit your needs is possible and an important part of embracing who you are. If you want guidance on understanding your social patterns, building friendships that suit your needs, or navigating neurodivergent relationships, you can book a consultation with me. I help Autistic adults in Colorado and Illinois create meaningful relationships with themselves and others.
In solidarity,
Marlee
