Can a Monogamous and Polyamorous Relationship Work? Navigating Mixed-Orientation Relationships
Expanding Our Understanding of Relationships
You might have grown up being taught that there was only one acceptable way to do relationships. In the culture I grew up in, I only ever saw cis-het mononormative relationships. I thought that was the only option, but over time I learned that’s only one of a million valid relationship structures.
Today, I think about relationships through an expansive lens where there is no “right way” to do things. Relationships don’t always fit neatly into boxes, and they don’t need to either. You don’t have to share the same sexual or relational orientation as your partner(s) for a relationship to work. Mixed-orientation relationships are one way this can look, whether your partner(s) are monogamous, polyamorous, or anywhere in between.
A mixed-orientation relationship refers to a partnership where each person has different sexual orientations or relationship styles.
You and your partner(s) can have different desires and still foster a fulfilling relationship.
Holding Fear and Embracing Difference
Sometimes there can be a fear that comes up when we notice the differences between ourselves and our partner(s).
For instance…
If I’m monogamous and my partner just came out as polyamorous, does that mean we have to break up?
If my sexual needs or desires don’t line up perfectly with my partner(s), does that mean we’re incompatible?
If I want something different than what we originally agreed on, does that mean I’m selfish?
These fears are common and understandable. Many of us have internalized cultural messages suggesting that our desires and limits will naturally align with our partner(s). But differences don’t automatically signal incompatibility. Differences might actually be more like an opportunity to notice and talk about your desires, whether you’re in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship.
So What Does This Look Like in a Monogamous and Polyamorous Relationship?
In any relationship, we can’t assume that we’re already on the same page about what we want right away. We also can’t assume that we define certain words the same way. For example, I might be thinking “open relationship” means casual connections, while you’re imagining romantic partnerships. Or, I might think “monogamous” includes flirting. You might not. If these differences go unchecked, they might lead to misunderstandings or relational ruptures. That’s why having direct and clarifying conversations is so important.
And this is not exclusive to folks in mixed-orientation relationships. Everyone, whether in a monogamous, polyamorous, or other type of relationship, can learn and benefit from having clearer and more direct conversations with their partner(s)!
Consent and Negotiation
Consent is key with mixed-orientation relationships. I like Planned Parenthood’s FRIES Model of Consent. Consent should be Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic (or, alternatively, Affirmative), and Specific. That means you’re not pressured, you can change your mind at any time, you fully understand what you’re agreeing to, you genuinely want it, and it applies to this specific situation (not everything forever).
Consensual relationship agreements require us to be honest with ourselves and our partner(s). Are you actually okay with X? Or are you hoping you will become okay with it because you don’t want to lose your relationship?
Negotiation is also key here. A simple tool to use is a yes/no/maybe list. This is where each person identifies the things they affirmatively want, things that are off-limits, and things they’re open to exploring with more information or gradual integration. For example, in a mixed-orientation relationship where some are monogamous, and some are polyamorous, this might look like “yes to attending important events like birthdays or celebrations together”, “maybe to a monthly game night”, and “no to sharing a home”. You can use yes/no/maybe lists for emotional, sexual, or relational preferences.
Let me just say too, that it’s okay if you’re not sure what your yes/no/maybes are. Perhaps you’ve only had experiences in relationships where you share the same identities as your partner(s) and this is your first time exploring another relationship style. Challenge yourself to be honest about your uncertainties with your partner(s), rather than feigning confidence. Being open about uncertainty allows space for creative problem solving and discovering arrangements that work for everyone. Plus, vulnerability is sexy!
Reflection Questions
Before diving into consent and negotiation conversations, it can help to reflect on your own readiness. These questions aren’t meant to suggest you need a particular relationship style. They’re just to help you understand whether your current or future relationship arrangements align with your needs and values.
You might consider:
Can I tolerate uncertainty while we figure this out?
Am I willing to have ongoing conversations about negotiating relationship agreements?
Can I differentiate between discomfort and a true dealbreaker?
Do I trust myself to speak up if something stops working for me?
You don’t always have to be perfectly aligned with your partner(s) for your relationships to work. Instead, be willing to stay in conversation about where you aren’t aligned and be creative about finding structures that work for everyone. Even when desires don’t fully align, mixed-orientation relationships can be deeply rewarding when navigated with communication, consent, and negotiation. In fact, these relationships can expand our understanding of how love and intimacy can be built.
An Invitation
If you’re navigating differences in your relationship(s) and feeling unsure where to start, you don’t have to figure it out alone. I work with individuals, couples, and other relationship constellations exploring monogamy, polyamory, non-monogamy, and evolving desires. Reach out if you’d like support having these conversations with more confidence.
In solidarity,
Marlee
