What Is Asexuality? Identity, Intimacy, Relationships, and Belonging
Asexuality, Identity, and Belonging
Asexuality is an umbrella term for people who experience little or no sexual attraction to others. It’s a spectrum that includes graysexual folks, demisexual folks, aroace folks, and more.
Asexuality is about sexual attraction, not behavior or activity. Some people assume asexual folks are repulsed by sex, but experiences widely vary. Some are sex-repulsed, some feel neutral, and some simply aren’t interested in it. Some people on the asexual spectrum might enjoy sex only under specific circumstances, while others may not desire partnered sex at all. Some asexual people have a libido and enjoy masturbation, while others don’t.
Asexuality also does not determine romantic orientation. Some asexual people also happen to be aromantic, but many desire romantic relationships and experience romantic attraction to others. None of these experiences make someone “less asexual”.
Asexuality as a Natural Variation of Human Sexuality
Asexuality is still largely misunderstood in our culture. People may assume you have experienced sexual trauma, have a hormone imbalance, or that you’re too awkward or socially inept to have sex, all implying that something is wrong with you.
Our culture often treats sexual experience as a rite of passage and a marker of normal development. When someone does not experience sexual attraction in the same way as allosexual people, or does not prioritize sex in the same way, it can create pressure to conform and a sense of being “behind” in life. This may lead people to feel judged by others, or to hide their asexuality from friends, coworkers, or family members in order to avoid criticism or misunderstanding.
Many asexual folks spend years wondering if something is wrong with them. They might try to increase their libido, force themselves to date, push themselves into sexual situations, or search for a medical explanation. Discovering asexuality can bring immense relief because it offers a framework that says maybe nothing is wrong with you at all.
Asexuality and Queer Inclusion
Asexual people are part of the LGBTQ+ community, though they may sometimes feel less visible in some spaces. At times, conversations about sexuality and relationships can center sexual experiences and desire, which may affect how included or reflected asexual people feel.
Asexual folks belong in the LGBTQ+ community. Asexuals challenge cultural assumptions that everyone experiences sexual attraction, wants sex, and should organize their lives around pursuing sexual relationships. Like many other LGBTQ+ folks, asexual folks often grow up feeling different, misunderstood, rejected, or pathologized because of who they are.
As Pride Month invites reflection on identity and belonging, it’s also worth naming that asexual people are part of that story, even when they are not always centered in it.
Intimacy Beyond Sex
Often, people use the word “intimacy” synonymously with sex. Sure, sex might be one type of intimacy, but there are many others as well. Many asexual folks deeply desire intimacy. Think about a friend inviting you to witness an art exhibition they’ve poured their heart into, chosen family working through a difficult conflict together, or a partner cuddling with you after a hard day. These moments can be profoundly intimate.
Asexual folks might prioritize friendships, their chosen family, queer-platonic relationships, or community connections. There’s no one right way to build a meaningful life.
Intimacy also doesn’t require sex. Some people have sex for a physical release, to alleviate boredom or stress. So let’s move away from the idea that asexual people can’t have intimacy or meaningful relationships.
Relationships and Asexuality
One of the most common questions I hear from asexual therapy clients is “How can I navigate relationships as an asexual person?”
Many people worry that if they fully accept their asexuality, they’ve dramatically reduced their chances of finding a partner. That fear makes sense, but it also assumes that allosexual and asexual people are fundamentally incompatible.
We usually don’t apply that logic to other meaningful differences in relationships. If golf is a huge part of one partner’s life and the other has no interest in it, we don’t automatically conclude that the relationship is doomed. We might expect the golf-loving partner to play with friends, enjoy their hobby independently, or share parts of their enjoyment with their partner in different ways. Their partner might occasionally join them, listen to stories about a great round, or support something that’s meaningful to them without sharing the same level of interest. Of course, sex isn’t the same as golf, but the comparison highlights that compatibility is often more flexible than we assume.
Asexual and allosexual partnerships can take many forms. Some include sex, some don’t. Some involve compromise, negotiation, or alternative ways of meeting needs. There is no universal blueprint. The idea that healthy romantic relationships must include sex a certain number of times per week is tired and outdated. The important question isn’t whether a relationship is “normal”, but whether everyone’s needs, boundaries, and consent are being respected.
That said, many asexual people have experienced real heartbreak related to their orientation. Those fears are valid. Mixed-orientation relationships between allosexual and asexual partners can work, but they require ongoing conversations about needs, desires, boundaries, values, and creative problem-solving. Like any relationship, they work best when everyone involved is willing to move beyond assumptions and create relationships that genuinely fit them.
An Invitation
If you’re exploring your relationship with asexuality, questioning whether you might be on the asexual spectrum, navigating a mixed-orientation relationship, or working through shame or confusion about desire and intimacy, therapy can be a supportive space for that work.
I offer affirming online therapy in Colorado and Illinois for LGBTQ+ adults, couples, Autistic and neurodivergent folks, and people exploring sexuality, relationships, and intimacy. My work is grounded in a non-pathologizing approach to identity and desire. If you’d like support, you’re welcome to schedule a free consultation.
In solidarity,
Marlee
